the transition
to parenting a young adult

December 22 was highlighted on my calendar last year. My daughter, Kaiti, would be coming home after studying at the Universidad de Alicante in Spain. But in November, Kaiti called with unexpected news. She was staying for another semester and would be returning to the U.S. in six months. She had arranged new housing and matriculation as a Universidad student instead of a study-abroad student. Her transition to adulthood had been gradual, but suddenly it seemed that our college sophomore had grown up in the space of a phone call.

End of a hierarchical relationship.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church notes the change that occurs when children become adults, “Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them.” (CCC #2217) From a parent’s perspective, this role change may be difficult. Adult children may ask for advice but then decide to follow another course of action or make significant modifications to the recommendation. Or parents may learn of major life decisions after the fact. The days of being able to make the final decision in regard to a child’s welfare are over. Accept that your children will make different decisions than you and focus on listening as they share their ideas.

Mutual affection and respect guide interactions.

Most adolescents report that they have good relationships with their parents. Friends tend to guide choices that have to do with clothing, grooming and entertainment, but parents have a stronger influence on educational decisions and values. Bickering about the cleanliness of a room or a hair style is more characteristic of parent-teen arguments than are serious disagreements. As children become adults, decisions about tattoos and piercings, music choices and DVD collections are no longer under parental control. Relationships often become smoother without this quibbling over personal taste. If you are dismayed by an adult child’s choices, think back to your own early adulthood. What seemed natural to you but incomprehensible to your own middle-aged parents?

Boomerang children and the ‘re-feathered’ nest.

Many couples find the “empty nest” years to be ones of renewed marital satisfaction. But adult children sometimes return home after falling on hard times. In these cases, living arrangements need to be negotiated. House rules help avoid conflict. How long a stay seems reasonable? How will household chores be divided? Communication is central in keeping the “re-feathered nest” a positive experience for all.

Words from Anne Frank’s diary provide perspective, “Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.”

Originally Published: December 2005