 |
COVER STORY
Imagine being married for more than 60 years, raising 10
kids - an impressive accomplishment in anybody's book. Now imagine
doing all that while being blind. Find out how the Mahoneys
did it.
Blind Love By Carolyn Smith |
 |
Feature
Opposites at first, Joan and Vern's marriage blossomed into
a common mission to help the poor.
Opposites at First, Now a Common Mission
By Ronald Landfair |
 |
Feature
I married my ex: the Kruegers learned the value of love and
tried marriage for a second time.
I Married My Ex
By Duane Ramsey |
 |
Culture
If it takes two to marry why not include the guys in a wedding
shower? Three great ideas plus recipes.
Couples Wedding Showers
By Patricia Majher |
 |
Web Exclusive
Do you believe you could never fall in love with another person?
That question was posed to a young man during a marriage prep
meeting after he challenged the relevance of having to go to
a priest for instruction.
The Nature of Fidelity By Douglas
Culp |
 |
Web Exclusive
How can you keep your marriage strong in today's results-oriented,
pro-divorce culture, especially once you become a parent?
Every marriage needs ongoing enrichment
by Lisa M. Petsche |
By Carolyn Smith | Photos by James Luning
Meet Bob and Jennie Mahoney
of East 
Lansing.
He is 80 and she is 82. They are members of St. Martha Catholic
Church, Okemos, where they attend Mass almost daily. They love each
other madly. Married for 60 years, they have had to work very, very
hard to raise 10 children. Why so hard? When they tied the knot
back in 1941, Bob and Jennie were totally blind. It may be
difficult to imagine bringing 10 kids into the world and raising
them to responsible adulthood. But to do so in the dark shadows
of blindness would seem almost miraculous. This special couple did
just that. And it wasn't easy.
Bob lost his sight in his early teens and Jennie lost most of
hers by the age of 3. He grew up in Duluth, Minn.; she came
from a farm in Bannister, near Lansing. They met at the Michigan
School for the Blind in Lansing, when Bob was just 17 and Jennie
was 19.
Jennie Kubinger was the valedictorian of her class where she became
a demonstrator at reading Braille. She went on to Adrian College,
studying home economics. The daughter of a hard working farmer,
blacksmith and salesman of farm implements, Jennie didn't have enough
money for her education. So, she earned it by washing dishes at
the college.
After
a year of courtship, Bob and Jennie married, despite warnings from
people who said they shouldn't. Two of them were Jennie's parents.
But according to Bob's book Living Out of Sight (1995), he
had his own motivation: "I loved to hear her voice, touch her
hand, feel her cheek on mine when we danced. When I was with her,
she was an oasis in a desert of darkness."
With
rent payments and a baby on the way, Bob took "that stereotyped
job of the blind man," selling mops, brooms, and brushes door
to door. He worked for another blind man at a company called Blind
Product Sales, in Detroit, where he would remain for 12 years. He
enrolled in leader dog classes in Rochester. After a month of training,
Bob and his German Shepherd, Patsy, went on their Detroit sales
route, taking two or three buses a day.
Jennie
gave birth to Gary, the couple's first, and was delighted that her
mother-in-law was there to help out for two weeks after bringing
the baby home. The following year, Jennie had their first daughter,
Roberta. Their family increased rapidly with the births of Rosemary,
Dennis, and Colleen in three successive years.
Bob talks candidly about the hardships of raising their kids:
"When our children were babies, they would literally have bells
on their toes. Jennie would tie little bells to their shoes so that
when they were crawling around, we wouldn't step on them and we
would also know where they were at all times. Sometimes, our house
just rang!"
Bob
also mentions that they had to teach the kids to close all doors
and cupboards and to pick up their toys. "Many's the time Jennie
or I were severely bruised because of the inadvertence of one of
the children." Because blindness is never inherited, their
kids were all born sighted.
Providing for his family was on Bob's mind constantly.
He was selling door to door during the day and mixing and bottling
bleach in his basement at night. He wanted his day customers to
buy Leader Bleach by the case, complete with a picture of Bob and
Patsy on each label. He signed up some 1,200 customers.
The tricky part was siphoning the bleach from 30-gallon crocks.
It splashed everywhere and the smell of bleach filled the entire
house. Sales continued to climb, but Bob sold the bottling part
of the business to a bottling company. By the time he paid the bottler,
the delivery driver and the supplier, he wasn't clearing much money.
So he sold the business.
Bob's sales route got longer and his sample case got heavier.
Eventually, he became more and more exhausted. His family doctor
at Henry Ford Hospital said he had to quit his sales job. Two of
his heart valves were too damaged to continue the door-to-door work.
As Bob recalls, "I was in a desperate state of mind. I was
30 years old with five children, an ailing heart, and my wife and
I were both blind. What was I going to do? After all, I'd spent
10 years at door-to-door sales, trying to come up with a better
career alternative. How was I going to come up with something overnight?"
In
a little while, Bob and his sister, Vivian, collaborated on a new
way of doing business. They bought a cross-indexed telephone
book and an old-fashioned Dictaphone machine. Each morning, Vivian
would dictate to Bob the telephone numbers of 100 of his former
customers. He would call each person, reintroducing himself as "the
blind guy who used to call on you with my leader dog, Patsy."
Bob would tell customers about special sales or convince them they
could use something else. He took the orders down with his Braille
machine and gave Vivian the orders at the end of the day. She would
come to Bob's house on Saturdays to help make deliveries. Bob was
still looking for other ways to make a living. This led to thoughts
of politics.
He ran for precinct delegate in Detroit and lost. Two years
later, the district chairman urged Bob to run again. This time he
ran and won. His 12 years of door-to-door and telephone sales really
paid off in grass-roots contacts.
In
1952, Jennie and Bob added son Joseph to the Mahoney clan. In 1954,
Bob was elected state representative of the 11th District - East
Side Detroit, bordered by Eight Mile Road on the north and the Detroit
River on the south. He was the first blind man ever elected to the
Michigan House of Representatives.
Life had taught Bob to be prepared. After moving to a Lansing
hotel to start his new job, he enrolled in an insurance course at
Michigan State University in nearby East Lansing. His notes consisted
of tapes made on a heavy reel-to-reel recorder. He didn't study
enough and failed the insurance test. A Republican legislator who
had his insurance license decided to help Bob. This time, he passed
the test. But his legislative duties took precedence over any thoughts
of selling insurance.
Meanwhile,
a son, Mark, joined the family in 1956. One year later, Bob used
his insurance training to start a new business, Michigan Notary
Service. This was a mail-order firm that supplied seals and bonds
to the state's 100,000 or so notaries. The business is still going
strong today.
From 1958 through 1962, Jennie gave birth to three more sons,
Michael, Bill, and Robert. Though the older kids helped care for
the babies, Jennie was discouraged and running out of energy. Her
ninth pregnancy at the age of 40 was tough enough. When Jennie was
pregnant with her 10th child, Robert, she sought the advice of a
visiting priest. Instead of consolation, the priest gave her a lecture
on having too many babies too late in life and not exercising enough
restraint. Some of her friends and relatives were not supportive,
either. However, in keeping with the Church's teachings, Bob and
Jennie did not practice artificial birth control.
Bob felt very bad about being a hundred miles away in Lansing
five days a week. He called Jennie every night and just let her
talk about her troubles and little triumphs. That helped. On a lighter
note, Bob had a standard quip to those who often asked about his
large family: "That's what comes from not being able to watch
television!"
In Lansing, Bob made a habit of attending daily Mass at St.
Mary Cathedral with some of his fellow legislators. With his faith
as a guiding force, he would always harbor this belief: "Whether
one is illiterate, indigent, sick, old, or mentally ill, one must
be allowed to have dignity."
Bob's
Detroit district had some 400 Blacks in a population of 80,000.
During his 16 years as a state representative, the one issue that
got him in deep trouble in his district was fair housing, to which
82 percent were opposed. He was subjected to countless phone calls,
threats, and rock throwing through his home's windows. His sons
sustained black eyes and bloody noses. Still, Bob managed to get
re-elected.
Constituents in his heavily Catholic district did agree with
him on two other issues: He supported Parochiad, which called
for tax support for parochial schools. He opposed abortion.
As chairman of the House Policy Committee in 1972, Bob learned
that busing was another hot issue. Busing was already the law, so
Bob refused to take any busing resolutions - pro or con. His district
took this as a pro-busing move because he did not openly oppose
it. All politicians - even the drain commissioner - ran on a pro-
or anti-busing platform. Many were fanatical. But in his heart Bob
decided busing would do then what fair housing would do many years
down the road.
Bob campaigned hard but he knew this one was going to be tough.
His opponent was a police officer with 10 children who won the
1972 election on his anti-busing position.
Bob felt a little down, but not for long. He still had a burning
desire to be involved in politics and in 1974 he was tapped to serve
out a term on the Wayne County Board of Commissioners. Later, he
ran for the post and won. When he ran for a second term, he lost
- again to a policeman.
In 1977, Bob became a lobbyist for the state's ophthalmologists
and later for the Michigan Hospital Association. The problem of
separation from Jennie again was worse than it was when he was a
state legislator. So the couple sold the house in Detroit to their
oldest son, Gary, and moved to a condominium in East Lansing.
Bob retired from his lobbying duties in 1984. It took him
15 years to write and publish his book, Living Out of Sight, from
which were taken many of the details for this story. He plans one
day to rewrite some parts of it and have it reprinted.
In 1994, Bob had his two bad heart valves replaced with mechanical
ones. No longer out of breath, he can walk a couple of miles a day.
The couple now has 24 grandchildren, including three who were adopted.
And they have five great grandchildren.
When
Faith first contacted the Mahoneys, Jennie answered the phone. Bob
was at Mass and would return any minute. As we waited, Jennie offered
the names and ages of nine of the 10 children and included their
ages that range from 40 to 58. Daughter Rosemary died of cancer
in 1991 at the age of 43, said Jennie. Their children all live in
Lansing or metro Detroit.
When Bob arrived home, he emphasized that reading the book would
be helpful, "but the real meaning of the book is stated in
its last five words. And don't you peek!"
Knowing
from the book that the family is still very close, FAITH wanted
to get a perspective on growing up sighted with blind parents. Acting
as a spokesman for his siblings, Joseph Mahoney, the sixth child,
was happy to oblige. He is vice president of finance for the Michigan
Catholic Conference, in Lansing. He offered these memories:
"When you're around my folks long enough, you get the
sense that they're not really blind. One of us would ask, 'Where
are my shoes?' Mom would respond, 'They're under the couch.'"
Their mom was and still is a great cook. "There is nothing
she can't make. Corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick's Day. Roast
beef and mashed potatoes with all the fixings on Sundays. She would
bake cakes on our birthdays and saints' days. The kids from the
neighborhood often joined us for dinner. She made us all feel special."
"Mom and the kids would board a bus headed for 7 Mile and
Gratiot. At the end of the line were a couple of department stores,
an A & P food store, and a Cunningham's drug store. We would
shop for groceries, maybe a few clothes. Often, we would stop at
Cunningham's, head for the fountain, and enjoy a soda, ice cream
or pop. Those were fun times."
"We
grew up in a real family neighborhood. So we had a lot of friends
and would often stay for dinner at their homes. Mom was always vigilant,
though. She memorized the phone numbers of every friend we had!"
"We all went to Catholic grade school at St. Raymond's
in Detroit. Dad would sometimes go with us so that he could
attend daily Mass. Our parents' faith has always been very strong."
"My dad was gone a lot. I have two kids of my own and I don't
know how in the heck my mom did it! She always gave us a lot of
love. I think Mom was a saint!"
Joe's praise is reminiscent of his dad's final five words in the
book: "The real heroine is Jennie."
outreach
to people who are blind, deaf and/or disabled
Outreach to people who are sight impaired
Sr. Marlene Taylor, AD, does outreach to people who are sight impaired
in the Diocese of Lansing. Here are some examples of her ministry:
- Annual Retreat for the Blind
- Scripture Study on the 2nd and 4th Mondays of the month
- FAITH Magazine on Tape for those who are sight impaired and
want to enjoy FAITH Magazine
If you or someone you know is interested in any of these programs
or in helping those who are blind find out more about the Catholic
faith, contact Sr. Marlene Taylor, AD, at (517) 342-2500.
Deaf and Disabilities Ministry
Joann Davis and Rose Smith have taken charge of the Ministry with
Persons with DisAbilities and Catholic Deaf Ministry, respectively,
following the retirement of Dr. Richard Strife.
Davis points out that she spells disAbilities with a lowercase
d and a capital A to emphasize the abilities of people, not the
disabilities. "I see my role at this point in my new position
as an advocate for persons with disAbilities in their parish life,"
she says. "Our office provides resources, in-services, consultations,
retreats and suggestions on making facilities accessible to all."
The role of Catholic Deaf Ministry is to:
- Offer more signed and interpreted liturgies
- Encourage parishes to provide assistive listening devices at
parish functions
- Coordinate religious education for deaf children/students
- Provide information on interpreters and make interpreter referrals
for specific events
- Sponsor an annual retreat for deaf adults
- Consult on concerns related to deaf/hard of hearing individuals
For more information on these ministries, call (517) 342-2500 or
visit www.dioceseoflansing.org
By Ronald Landfair | Photography by Christine Jones
He was tall, reserved and
athletic - a member of the 1966 Michigan State University Big Ten
basketball champions. A quiet, soft-spoken native of Saginaw,
he arrived on campus in the mid 60s during the most challenging
decade of the past century.
She was an outspoken Floridian
transplant. Diminutive and direct, her presence demanded both respect
and acknowledgment. She was Stokely Carmichael, Huey Newton
and the Black Panther Party. He was Martin Luther King Jr., Medgar
Evers and the NAACP.
He was accounting and business management. She was psychology and
therapy. He was numbers; she was people. He was and still is the
"quiet one"; she was and still is the "clacker."
He was, at the time, Church of God in Christ (C.O.G.I.C.); she was
Catholic. Even though he was considered a BMOC (Big Man On Campus),
she didn't know who he was. Opposites had truly attracted.
The hot plate had gotten quite a workout that evening. The cook,
a struggling graduate student had prepared a full course meal for
the young man. They had only recently begun dating, a somewhat unusual
mutual attraction had surfaced - all the more curious given the
fact that they were polar opposites in all respects save one. In
their views, they had both come from dysfunctional families. That
would be the seed they would use to create their mutual vision of
"marriage" and subsequently of "family," one
that is Catholic in thought, word and deed. In their words, "We
passed each other's respective tests!"
Then,
they fell in love and married. Vernon Johnson and Dr. Joan Jackson
Johnson have sung their mutual marriage song of respect, love, family
and faith together for 32 years.
"We've made our marriage a partnership, where we support
each other and our children," Vern says. "That's really
the secret of our success."
"It's a team effort," notes Joan. "Whether you
are talking about our roles as parents or as marriage partners,
it is something that we do together."
They receive awards from agencies, institutions and even the
governor's office for their good works individually and as a family.
Yet, what they do and why they do it is rooted in their faith experience
and in their vision of marriage.
Joan's young faith life was quite different than Vern's.
"I grew up around the Baptist experience when I was a child,"
she explains. "My mother thought that when we became a certain
age we should choose our faith ourselves. I was an illegitimate
child whose mother was on welfare. We were poor, but we loved each
other. My mother was such a gracious soul.
"God was my best friend when I was growing up and while kids
were playing Cowboys and Indians, we would play Church and have
Mass and singing. As far back as I can remember, I prayed two or
three times a day when I walked to school and I really felt that
God was with me."
"Faith brought me through some childhood traumas, took me
to college and on to grad school," continues Joan. "It
(faith) found me a person that I would consider my best friend."
You notice that its not very long when you are in their company
that the laughter begins.
Vernon converted to Catholicism at the time their first child,
Kobe, was born in 1975. Influenced greatly by Fr. Jake Foglio,
Fr. Ed Lambert and Fr. Tom McDevitt, Vernon reflected on his decision
and decided it would be in the best interests of himself, his spouse
and their family to unite together under one faith banner. "Those
guys really sparked an interest into Catholicism," he explains.
"Just in talking with them, you could see that they were open-minded
people, even though I was from another religious tradition. As a
result, I became more and more interested in Catholicism.
"The three of them were just a neat group of priests, and
they related well to college students. We were still in the 'student
mode' in 1975, because I was still in graduate school. That was
a really interesting period in my life."
"When I look back over that time period," Joan adds,
"I marvel at the ways in which God worked, because I never
thought Vern would convert, and I never asked him to do so. But
as the Lord works, Vern decided that was what he wanted to do. It
was just the biggest blessing of my life when Vern converted to
Catholicism. Vern's faith to me, as it happens to converts, can
be just overwhelming." When asked to comment on each other's
best qualities as a marriage partner, Joan reflects that "it
would be Vern's gentle and calming spirit. His faith is not just
strong but he is very disciplined."
She
laughingly continues, "When I grow up, I'm going to be like
Vern. I pray from the bed sometimes, but he gets up every morning
around 5 a.m. and reads Scripture and prays. We go to Mass together
on Friday mornings and go to perpetual adoration together as well.
"His faith, and his strength as a Black male, considering
all that he has gone through are so inspiring. When he was in college,
his family was not a support for him. They would not accept collect
phone calls from him. He even shoveled manure when he was a student
at MSU to earn money."
"When I was in college, you had to wear a suit or a tie and
a jacket to dinner on Sunday for the team meal," Vern recalls.
"I missed quite a few meals before a friend of mine named Allan
Cheeks loaned me a blazer and tie. He never said anything about
it to anyone else. He even gave me things to wear when we traveled
on the road.
"I always thought that God was guiding me because of all
the land mines that occurred in my life. God guided me through
those and did not let me get blown up. God guided me to Joan. She
had all the qualities that I was looking for."
They both have helped their relatives immensely, financially as
well as numerous other ways, but both are quick to acknowledge that
it is their privilege and method to repay their debts in some small
way that keeps their marriage steady. Joan observed, "Without
the Lord, we would not be where we are and who we are. You have
to have Christ in your marriage. Every Sunday morning, we start
our prayers by serving breakfast at Advent House to about 150 people
who are perhaps less fortunate than ourselves."
To this day, Dr. Joan Jackson Johnson and Vernon continue to
walk, laugh, love, and live their faith together. They remain
close to their children: Kobe, Mark, Nicki, Angela and Candace.
Through it all, their faith in God and each other has been the sustaining
entity through serious illness, as parents, as individuals, and
as marriage partners. "I don't know if I could say that he
was my best friend when I married him," Joan says, "but
I certainly can say that he is 32 years later, as we celebrate our
wedding anniversary. We are opposite in a lot of ways, but it's
been a nice balance for our kids. We complement each other. We've
had our struggles, our highs and our lows, but I think our kids
realize that our religion is very important to us and it's been
a central part of our lives, of their lives, and of our family."
And certainly, their marriage as well.
2002 Seekers of Justice award winners
help the poor at Advent House
If you are interested in the Catholic Campaign for Human Development,
contact Barb Pott at (517) 342-2470
Catholic Campaign for Human Development
"Vern Johnson and Joan Jackson Johnson have been long time
volunteers at Advent House Ministries in Lansing working with the
homeless and very poor. Together they are being given the 2002 Dr.
Albert Wheeler Seeker of Justice award," says Barb Pott, diocesan
director of the Catholic Campaign for Human Development and Catholic
Relief Services. "The Johnsons are able to recruit volunteers
for Advent House Ministries who would not come into contact with
the homeless otherwise - such as judges and various leaders in the
community. They help raise awareness of the well-to-do by bringing
them to volunteer at Advent House where these volunteers come to
know the people they serve; some volunteers take time to visit with
the clients and get to know them. The clients become familiar with
community leaders which results in a diminishment of perceived and
real barriers in the community for them."
According to Pott, the Dr. Albert Wheeler Seeker of Justice award
is given annually to an individual or an organization that effects
extraordinary changes toward a more just society though living the
gospel of peace and justice. The criteria for winning the award
include:
- The person has a clear commitment to social justice.
- The person has worked for institutional change, especially
as it regards enabling and empowering low-income people.
- The person lives in the Diocese of Lansing and his or her work
has had an impact in the diocese. He or she does not have to be
Catholic.
The award was established in 1991 to mark the international celebration
of 100 years of Catholic social teaching. The first award was given
to Dr. Albert Wheeler, a founding member of Catholic Campaign for
Human Development, and was named in his honor.
Vern and Joan will receive the award, presented by Bishop Carl
Mengeling, on Thursday, Nov. 7, at the Annual CCHD Celebration of
Justice Dinner at the Lansing Diocesan Center. For further information,
contact Barb Pott at (517) 342-2470.
I Married My Ex
By Duane Ramsey | Photos by Christine Jones
Charles and Cheryl Krueger
have a unique marital relationship that has weathered many storms,
including a separation of six years. It is now stronger than
ever and primarily based in their faith and love of God, according
to the couple from Brighton.
Both
were born and raised Catholic in the Detroit area, Cheryl in
Rosedale Park and Charles in northwest Detroit. A mutual friend
introduced them in January of 1974 when Cheryl was graduating from
nursing school and Charles was becoming an electrician.
Following a relationship of more than three years, Charlie and Cheryl
were married Sept. 17, 1977 at the Mercy Center in Farmington Hills
by Fr. Tim Babcock of St. Eugene Parish.
Charlie worked as a construction electrician in southeastern Michigan
through the Detroit Chapter of the International Brotherhood of
Electrical Workers. Cheryl worked as a registered nurse in the area.
The couple had three children over a period of 10 years - Colleen,
Cory and Patrick.
With three children at home, both parents worked to provide for
their family. Charlie thought working hard and long hours to provide
for his family was a "good thing," he says. Unfortunately,
along the way he developed a substance abuse problem with alcohol.
"It was a difficult time for both of us. We knew it was a problem
and thought we were doing the right thing to resolve it," Cheryl
now says. "It ran the gamut and was a textbook case of the
devastating effect it (substance abuse) can have on people."
Charlie was in treatment three times but was unable to completely
overcome it. Although they were seeking the proper treatment
for it at the time, they tried to rely on themselves and didn't
surrender to a "Higher Power."
"I didn't leave him because I didn't love him," says
Cheryl, who divorced Charlie in 1996. "The separation was
my decision as I finally realized that I couldn't do any more. At
the time, my hurting, confused human heart failed to trust in God's
almighty ability."
Cheryl continued to work with three children at home. Colleen was
an adolescent and the boys were still in pre-school. The couple
remained amicable throughout the separation, sharing custody of
the children. "Each expected the other to be clairvoyant but
we had a lack of communication and missed the boat building a relationship,"
Cheryl explains.
"I finally realized when I was trying to fix myself that I
was trying to fix her, too. You can't fix the other person.
It just doesn't work that way," adds Charlie. "Living
independently, we eventually became friends during the separation,
taking each other out from under the microscope."
"Charlie never gave up hope that we'd get back together,"
says Cheryl.
"I always wished we could get back together," he admits.
"We both worked on ourselves during that time and were both
humbled by what the other accomplished.
"I was pointed in the faith direction when I saw what she was
doing to survive. She was using her faith to do it."
"What you saw was Jesus Christ carrying me. It was Christ
that held me together," Cheryl says.
"It was almost like we were too important to each other, putting
each other before God. Our priorities were out of whack," says
Charlie.
Cheryl
was surprised when Charlie asked her to remarry him in July of 2000.
She accepted the ring, but wasn't quite ready to commit to him again.
Their relationship continued moving forward for more than a year.
The Kruegers attended counseling together for 10 months and continued
working on their relationship through a 12-step recovery program.
They also credit a third party, Livingston County Catholic Social
Services, for contributing significantly to their success.
Cheryl attended a weekend retreat for the Christ Renews His
Parish program in September, 2001. This approach to adult formation
in the Church works miracles in people, she believes. "I went
into it looking for God's will and it was absolutely a life-changing
spiritual experience for me. It was the catalyst that established
my total trust in Jesus Christ and allowed me to commit to Charlie
again. I realized in my heart that my treasure was at home with
my family."
"I had one of those moments of clarity," she continues.
"I realized that it was a greater risk not to trust God and
not to commit to Charlie than being afraid to marry him again."
Charles and Cheryl remarried after six years of separation. The
Catholic Church still considered them husband and wife, since it
doesn't recognize civil divorce and neither had remarried. They
renewed their marriage vows in the chapel at St. Patrick Church
in Brighton Feb. 19, 2002, with Fr. Dan McKean presiding. That date
was the wedding anniversary of Cheryl's parents, so it has special
meaning to the family.
After
having their parents apart for so long, the children had to adjust
to having them together again. It hasn't been easy for both
sides, according to the couple.
"We're hoping they will see that lifelong commitment and
love is worth working on," Cheryl says. "People want
to be rooted in spirituality and basic moral values. Unfortunately,
it's our generation that lost it, but it's also our generation that
appears to be reining it in."
"The message is there's hope even after all hope seems gone,"
says Charlie. "Even after ruin, you have to start over somewhere.
Hopefully, it's with good and right, but you've got to trust God
first."
The Kruegers believe that so many couples who are divorced or
separated "just don't know how not to be." They need to
seek help somewhere from counseling or a priest, but especially
from God. Both agree that "it's all worth it when you love
and trust God."
couples wedding showers
By Patricia Majher | Photography by Philip Shippert
where did the first bridal shower take place?
The first bridal shower is said to have taken place in the Netherlands.
Legend has it that a young woman had her heart set on marrying a
poor miller. Her father disapproved and was determined to sabotage
the marriage by refusing to hand over his daughter's dowry.
Fortunately, for the bride-to-be, some friends took pity on her
and came to the rescue by 'showering' her with gifts.
This tradition of honoring only the bride-to-be lasted until very
recently, when forward thinking party planners decided to invite
the groom-to-be and his friends, too. After all, it takes two to
make the commitment to wed; why not honor both people? And that's
how the idea of a couples wedding shower was born.
Let the guys in: ideas for a couples wedding shower
A couples wedding shower can be thrown just about anywhere you like:
a favorite restaurant, outdoors (in good weather) at a park, or
in the host or hostess' home. You'll need to come up with a menu
that appeals to both men and women. Chili, cornbread, and a salad
are a safe bet. Many wedding showers revolve around a theme. So
we've paired our three recipes with some fun theme ideas:
bon voyage shower
At
a 'bon voyage' shower, for instance, guests bring gifts that cover
all the essentials for enjoying a honeymoon trip: travel books and
maps, disposable cameras, even pieces of luggage.
If the trip's location has been determined, you can also buy restaurant
gift certificates.
Colorful Corn Muffins
2 81/2 oz. packages of corn muffin mix
1 cup frozen corn kernels
1/2 cup finely chopped red pepper
1/2 cup finely chopped green pepper
Prepare corn muffin mixes according to package directions. Stir
in frozen corn kernels and chopped peppers. Fill greased or papered
muffin cups half full with batter. Bake according to package directions.
Remove from pan; cool on wire rack. Makes 9 muffins.
garage and garden shower
A
'garage and garden' shower ensures the couple is well-equipped with
all the implements they need to enhance the exterior of their home.
One garage and garden wedding shower we heard of turned into a work
party to help the bride- and groom-to-be landscape their yard!
Beef and Turkey Sausage Chili
1 1/2 lbs. boneless beef
chuck, diced
1/2 lb. turkey sausage
1 red pepper, seeded and chopped
1 onion, chopped
1 garlic clove, crushed
1 6 oz. can of tomato paste
1 12 oz. can of beer
1 Tsp instant beef bouillon granules
1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and minced (optional)
2 Tsp chili powder
1 Tsp ground cumin
1/4 Tsp salt
In a slow cooker, combine all ingredients; cover and cook on low
for 7 to 8 hours or until beef is tender. Spoon into individual
bowls. Top with a dollop of low-fat yogurt or sour cream and sprinkle
with chopped green onions. Makes 5 or 6 servings.
sporty couple shower
For
an athletic couple, a sports-themed wedding shower can be fun. Camping
equipment, tennis racquets and balls, golf accessories, and fishing
gear are just some of the gift ideas that would be appropriate.
Crunchy Cole Slaw
1 cabbage (2 lbs.), cored and shredded
1 large carrot, grated
1 medium green pepper, cored, seeded, and grated
1 rib of celery, grated
Slaw Dressing:
1 1/2 cups mayonnaise
1/2 cup distilled white vinegar
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 Tsp salt
In large bowl, whisk together the mayonnaise and vinegar until
smooth. Add the sugar and salt, and whisk again until blended. Then
add the shredded vegetables. Mix well, cover, and refrigerate for
at least 1 hour before serving. Makes 8 servings. (You can save
time with this recipe by buying pre-shredded slaw mix.)
I'm game if you are
What's a wedding shower without a few games to play?
To make it more fun for the men, set aside the bridal bingo cards
and instead test the guests' knowledge with a quiz about the bride-
and groom-to-be. How did they meet? Where did they go on their first
date? Who's the better cook? These are some of the questions you
could ask. Or play a board game like Pictionary,® with the men
on one side and the women on the other. Or develop a list of words
associated with weddings - husband, wife, cummerbund, limousine,
deejay, bouquet, etc. - and scramble them. Then give your guests
two or three minutes to figure them out. The person with the most
correct answers wins!
Thoughts on the Nature of Fidelity in Marriage
"Do
you believe that you could never fall in love with another person?"
This was the question posed to a young man during the initial marriage
preparation meeting after he challenged the relevance of having
to go to a priest for instruction. "If this person next to
you were to break off the engagement or pass away suddenly, can
you honestly tell me you would never marry someone else, especially
since you are so relatively young?" "Well no" replied
the man sheepishly almost ashamed to make eye contact with his fiancé
who was seated beside him. "So then maybe marriage isn't simply
about the feeling of falling in love with another person,
but about a loving commitment to that person - and commitment
is something I do know something about," concluded the priest.
I often tell this story because I think it effectively illustrates
a common misperception about the nature of marriage. Most
of us know the heady, "falling in love" feeling that ambushes
us with an intensity so great that we lose all sense of normalcy
for a time. It is this love that first leads us to even consider
a life long relationship with another person in marriage. Yet love
in this sense is a far cry from the Love we are called to live in
Christian marriage and this is what the priest was trying to convey
with his question above.
In a society that demands greater and greater stimulation and that
has a smaller and smaller attention span, it should come as no surprise
that this feeling of falling in love is mistakenly identified as
being synonymous with the act of being in Love. Further, this feeling
is often preferred to the act by people once a distinction is made
and they discover the rather demanding requirements of Christian
Love.
However, while it may be euphoric and all consuming, a feeling
cannot carry a marriage for very long and identifying the success
of a marriage with only transitory feelings is a dangerous and destructive
thing. Even though the sensation of falling in love calls us out
of ourselves to the point we completely forget ourselves for a time,
eventually we do remember ourselves again. It is during this time
of remembrance that the risk of infidelity is the highest.
When one speaks of infidelity, many reasons are given to be
the cause: lust for another, boredom with one's life and relationships,
loneliness, lack of attention from a spouse, need for escape from
an unpleasant situation at home, the demands of living a responsible
life, or growth in divergent directions within the marriage.
The truth of the matter is that all these reasons ignore the simple
reality that one is not unfaithful because of what acts upon him
or her from the outside, but that one always has to make the conscious
decision to be unfaithful. It is a decision, just as it was a decision
to enter into the marriage in the first place.
So what happens? All the reasons above are indicative of a focus
that is completely centered on oneself. Infidelity is a self-absorbed
act and, as such, can seem natural and easy because the person only
has to think of his or her own self, happiness, and pleasure. The
impact of one's actions on the lives of others (spouse, children,
wellness of the community as a whole) does not factor into the decision.
In fact, it can be said that the marriage partner does not exist
at all during an act of infidelity.
Nor is infidelity simply cheating on a spouse with another person.
In
Genesis, we are taught that at each phase of creation God issues
a command to "Let there be…" 1 and
it comes to pass. It is, in a sense, the verbal manifestation of
God's consent to the existence of that which is created. This act
of creation is imitated during the marriage ceremony where the two
are required to consent before the community to the creation of
the union.
However, Genesis also teaches that this initial
consent is not sufficient for the maintenance of creation. "Then
God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was light. God saw how
good the light was." (Gen 1, 3-4) Here we have the consent
followed by the affirmation that it is good for the light to exist.
This formula is repeated with each step of creation. 2
There is the consent and then the affirmation, which signals
that what has been created should continue. It is this affirmation
that creation is good that is the foundation of our being.
So at each moment, God holds creation in existence. Without
this continuous commitment to affirmation, creation would simply
pass away. The story of Noah's Ark, countless other Biblical accounts
and the myths of ancient people everywhere all illustrate the destruction
that can be wrought when this affirmation is taken away. In the
same way, marriage is an invitation into this same loving commitment
and powerful participation in the life of God. But the demands that
go with such participation are no less applicable.
As a former teacher at Mundelein Seminary in Illinois, Fr. Lawrence
Hennessey, once said, marriage is a choice … and one has
to choose it everyday! A marriage has to be continuously affirmed!
This need for constant attentiveness is modeled by God in maintaining
creation and is the very act of Love. Hence, infidelity can be viewed
as any act of inattention to the marriage in favor of a more narrow
focus limited only to the needs of the individual self, in which
the existence of the other is neither recognized nor affirmed.
I believe that St. John Chrysostom was referring
to the kind of attentiveness called for by marriage when he wrote
about the obedience required in marriage. He argued that, by obedience,
Christianity does not mean that one follows orders as if one is
in the military. Rather, obedience means that the wife "tries
to discern her husband's needs and feelings, and responds in love."
When, for example, she sees him weary, she encourages him to rest.
Likewise, the husband is to do the same in regards to the wife.
When she is sad, he should cherish her and comfort her. 3
In this way, both fulfill the demand of Love and are obedient to
its command. One will also notice that it is a proactive response
to a need born out of an attentiveness to the other that is only
possible through Love. There is no compulsion on the part of husband
or wife for the other to serve him or her. In a loving marriage,
both husband and wife think of the other always. When this happens,
the marriage does not become a battleground for the many power struggles
we see taking place today in relationships. On the contrary, when
the other is lovingly kept part of the focus, both are able to blossom
and transcend their individual limitations.
For this reason, this commitment and attention to the needs of
the other requires constant renewal for we are constantly moving
and changing. But a good marriage will call one out from himself
or herself, while a bad marriage will collapse in on itself under
the weight of its collective selfishness. A just marriage, as Chrysostom
said, then consists in two people on the journey to heaven together,
each lovingly obeying the needs of the other and strengthening each
other's weaknesses. The fruits of such a marriage are an attentiveness
and concern for the other that denies the demands of the self.
Again, marriage is an invitation into the very life of God.
While the falling in love period is a wonderful time, it is simply
the entrance to a vast and wonderful palace. To be content with
simply staying in the entrance is to ignore the priceless treasures
that lie within the palace. Perhaps it is safer to simply play in
the entrance because to actually enter the palace requires a commitment
on our part and the responsibility of caring for the treasure we
find. Further the contents of the palace are unknown territory to
us, which carries yet another kind of fear. Yet, such behavior as
this is like that of a baby who does not understand the true, spiritual
value of things. To want to remain forever as a baby is to fail
to take ownership for one's life and one's commitments and to deny
one's development and spiritual destiny.
Fidelity in marriage then can be summed up as the continuous act
of affirmation we see in Genesis that is necessary to maintain creation;
the invitation to participate in the very life of God, who is Love;
the priceless treasure that is bought only with great cost to the
individual self; and, in short, the precious gift that demands everything
and yet gives everything.
Douglas Culp is a graduate theology student at Catholic Theological
Union and the Assistant Director of M.B.A. Career Services at The
University of Chicago Graduate School of Business in Chicago, IL.
He currently resides with his wife, Yvette, in Oak Park, IL.
1 This command to "Let there
be..." or some variant of it occurs no less than eight times
in Genesis 1, 3-26. In each case it precedes an act of creation
by God.
2 See Genesis Chapter 1, verses
10, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31
3 John Chrysostom, On Living
Simply: The Golden Voice of John Chrysostom, compiled by Robert
Van de Weyer (Liguori, Missouri: Liguori/Triumph, 1996), 72.
Every marriage needs ongoing enrichment
by Lisa M. Petsche
Recently
my husband and I celebrated 14 years of marriage. We're not much
more than newlyweds, though, compared to my parents, who just marked
their 44th wedding anniversary.
In today's fast-paced, me-oriented, throwaway society, it's an
increasing challenge to keep a marital relationship alive and healthy
for a lifetime.
Unfortunately, many people are under the illusion that if only
they choose the right mate, their marriage will effortlessly and
continuously be wonderful, involving sustained passion and little
or no conflict.
Such fairytale notions of destined lovers and perfect matches,
while appealing, are unrealistic. However, in this era of instant
gratification, many people don't want to acknowledge that successful
marriages require an ongoing investment of time and effort, or that
they involve compromise and sacrifice.
In her recent book, Surrendering to Marriage, Iris Krasnow
contends that even in a good marriage, partners will not feel happy
all the time. She urges couples to recognize and accept that feelings
of boredom and resentment are a normal part of any long-term relationship,
and that there may even be times when we'd like to pack it in. We
should interpret these feelings as a sign that we need to work harder
at fostering intimacy, not a sign that it's time to move on.
Adjusting our expectations leads to increased marital satisfaction,
Krasnow says. When the going gets tough, our understanding that
difficulties are inevitable and can be overcome will sustain us.
Moreover, the marital bond becomes strengthened through facing tough
times together with determination and faith.
If the relationship develops serious problems, it's important to
seek professional help as soon as possible. One means of facilitating
healing is an international Catholic ministry called Retrouvaille
- meaning "rediscovery" - which focuses on restoring communication
in order to rebuild intimacy. It involves a live-in weekend retreat
and several follow-up sessions. Information is available from parish
priests and at www.retrouvaille.org.
As we emphasize in the marriage preparation program I help facilitate,
marriage is a primary relationship that needs to have top priority
in both spouses' lives. They must make a conscious, ongoing effort
to protect it from potentially destructive outside influences, including
well-intentioned but sometimes demanding relatives and friends,
career advancement and other individual pursuits, technology (television,
the Internet, cell phones and pagers) and the popular culture.
Unfortunately, especially once they are parents, partners' lives
can easily become so busy that they no longer spend much time communicating
on an intimate level. (Talking about the kids and instrumental
things like bills and errands doesn't count.) But their relationship,
if it's to flourish, must be nurtured on a regular basis, in spite
of other obligations.
My husband and I, for example, have been going on monthly dates
ever since our first child was born. Usually we go out for dinner
or for an evening walk followed by coffee and dessert.
Even
if it's not feasible to regularly get a sitter and go out on formal
dates, there are many creative ways to build in quality time. It
can be as simple as sitting down together to talk about your day
after the kids are in bed, instead of automatically turning on the
television or computer.
When my sisters and I were young, my parents would periodically
postpone their dinner until after we were in bed. They'd order Chinese
food and enjoy a distraction-free meal in the dining room, complete
with candlelight and wine. It was a time to really connect and enjoy
each other's company.
Attending a Marriage Encounter weekend is another good
idea. The program targets couples whose relationship is basically
healthy but could use some enrichment. (Click here
for marriage enrichment resources.)
Marriage veterans can attest that loving your partner in an ongoing
way is a conscious decision involving activity and continual growth.
This long-term commitment to the development of another, and to
building a Christian family together, involves moral and spiritual
obligation.
Without question it's a challenge, but well worth the effort.
Because a good marriage is a source of refuge from the trials and
tribulations of life, providing fulfillment and joy while mirroring
God's unconditional, everlasting love for us.
Especially in this day and age, it's truly an accomplishment of
which to be proud.
- Lisa M. Petsche is a mother of three and clinical social
worker who volunteers in marriage ministry. She has published articles
in Our Family, Western New York Catholic, The Denver Catholic Register,
Catholic Connection and The Catholic Herald. She can be contacted
at: lpetsche@idirect.ca
